


Outgrown

by Arxsia



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: AkuSai, Canon Compliant, Keyblade Graveyard scene, M/M, Saix’s thoughts, leaisa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:08:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22464637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arxsia/pseuds/Arxsia
Summary: I desperately wish to hate you. But even now, I…Saix first-person POV.
Relationships: Axel & Saïx (Kingdom Hearts), Axel/Saïx (Kingdom Hearts), Isa/Lea (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 22





	Outgrown

**Author's Note:**

> A feels dump written between 12am-3am because why not?

If we’re truly not meant to have hearts, then why does my chest ache so now? Why do my eyes burn? Why does rage course through my bones and sear me alive, as if I’ve been charred by your very flames? Among the nicknames the others have given me is ‘berserker’ and it truly is no wonder why. The power of this shell of a body, this pain I _shouldn’t_ feel - emptiness, rage, resentment, they leave me unstable.

But I see you laugh together and my hands clench with the desire to call my weapon. My ears ring with the sound of your chatter, filled with life that shouldn’t be there. I see the way you smile at them, the way you once smiled at me, and I wish to strike them down. What do I _care_ that they’re children? They’re nothing to me. They should be nothing to _you_. But they’re essential to Xemnas’s plans, and so I can’t harm them.

Much.

……

I fear you have outgrown me, and I was too busy being focused on _our_ mission to see it coming. Have you forgotten me? Did you _mean_ to forget me?

You’ve changed.

...Or am I the one who’s changed? Am I the one who has outgrown _you_?

Have I lost myself in my determination to accomplish what we set out to do, while you moved on, doing what you do best - shining on like the fiery sun you’ve always been, spreading warmth to those you found deserving.

You went and made new friends, and left me in the dark.

When did I fall from your good graces? From your sunlight? _Why_?

Do you not… _miss_ me?

Is it wrong that I miss you?

Is it so wrong that I want to hear your voice, even though I’m no longer worthy?

The fondness of your emerald gaze. The ring of your laughter. The childish ridiculousness of your catch phrases. The warmth of your touch. Do you no longer wish to share them with me? Am I simply too far outside your reach?

……

I hate them.

I miss you.

_I hate them._

I’m… _jealous_. Not that you’ll ever hear me say it. Not that you’d want to. Not that you’d care.

But I miss you.

……

Perhaps we’ve _both_ changed, too much to fit together anymore. This chasm between us too hollow. Have you, even once, felt as I do? Did you even realize we’ve been growing apart?

Did you try to stop it?

Did _I_?

 _Could_ I?

……

I’ve never been free.

Correction, _Saïx_ has never been free. This scar on my face marks me as his. My hands are tied. So long as I bear the sigil, I am not my own.

I woke up again and you weren’t there this time. They told me you’d joined the light. Figures. Your heart followed them? him even though they’re? he’s gone. You never truly belonged here anyway. Not like me - a lost soul with no purpose.

If I had returned as Isa, would you have accepted me? That is, if you haven’t forgotten Isa.

I desperately wish to hate you. But even now, I…

……

Xion.

Vexen’s records speak of a replica No. i, dubbed Xion.

I don’t recall any Xion, and yet the name tugs at something deep in my memory. Unpleasant, but important. Perhaps important to _you_.

Xehanort wants her for the plan. I will look further into her significance.

……

Atonement.

I won’t ask for your forgiveness. I won’t ask for your acknowledgement. But I wish to atone for the pain I caused you, the pain I caused Roxas, and… Xion.

Even if I mean nothing to you anymore, you were once-... No. You are _still_ everything to me.

Vexen wishes to atone too. And that idiot Demyx may as well make himself useful, with Xehanort’s direct gaze off him. Zexion and the others at the castle, reformed into the light, can do so much more than we can here.

I will restore those you hold dear to you.

Just for you.

……

“Why… so sad?”

Don’t… don’t look at me like that.

“You let them reduce you to _this_?!”

Don’t look at me like you care… like you’ve never forgotten me.

“I thought… you outgrew the marks under your eyes.”

“...So?”

“You look… like you need them…”

“ _Stop it._ The whole act. I thought this was all for her.”

Act… You mean… you knew? Have you… seen the truth all this time?

“At first. I sacrificed everything to try and track her down. _You’re_ the one who went off and made other friends. Left her and me both in the dust. It infuriated me how you just exited our lives.”

I should hate you. I _should_ hate you.

Pain. Darkness. I don’t have much time left. But you deserve an explanation.

“I lost… all sense of purpose.”

_“I didn’t forget you.”_

You say it with such conviction, washing away all these years of my own torment, instantly filling the chasm between us. Your hand, a firm yet gentle touch. Your gaze, worried, sad, without the shame of pity. They’re on me for once. _Me_.

You _have_ missed me. Forgive me for not seeing it.

My vision blurs. Will you stay by my side as I fade away?

Of course you will. Why should I doubt that?

“Yes… I know. You wouldn’t do that. But. I was _jealous_.”

I look up and… their eyes hold no resentment for me. No hate. After all I did to them… Roxas. Xion. I’m sorry.

“You admit it.”

I did, didn’t I? Just this once. Just for you.

“Well, if I make it back… you won’t get it out of me a second time.”

If I make it back… will you welcome me into your family? Will they? Do I deserve to be a part of it?

Somehow, I’m sure the answer is yes.

“See you, Isa.”

My time is almost up. You hold me close in your arms. Your smile as you call me Isa is everything I’ve craved all this time. Thank you for granting me this final bit of light, this piece of your heart I can hold onto as I’m pulled into the void.

“See you, Lea.”

_I love you._


End file.
